Short People; Tall Tales

For someone who relishes falsehoods, I’m really a sucker for finding truths. I love nonfiction; I love books about the ~human condition (please read that in a sing-song, mocking tone). But more than anything else, I love the strongest measure of truth that we as humanity have ever been able to establish in our thousands of years of existence.

I fucking love personality quizzes.

Continue reading “Short People; Tall Tales”


Being Pretentious and Regretting Your Choices 101

I did all the research and weighed the pros and cons. Pro: it looks cool as hell. Con: cancer. I squinted at the two columns and called it a tie. But yellow teeth… that was hard to justify. I added a Colgate whitening system to my prospective cost analysis, and then another one for good measure. I opened Google and searched for, “best cigarettes for beginning smokers.” The results were disappointing.

Continue reading “Being Pretentious and Regretting Your Choices 101”

Chill, It’s Not Like I’m a Cannibal

Is there a phrase for when you brag about something good and then that thing immediately goes to shit? “Eating crow?” From now on, I’m calling it, “eating your fucking fingernails after you told the internet you weren’t doing it anymore to bring glory to your name.” Continue reading “Chill, It’s Not Like I’m a Cannibal”

“Tonight I Watched the Tonys,” or, “A Post About Acting”

Hey, all. I’m sure that you’ve really missed my presence here – I’d love to tell you that I had some really good excuse for being gone (like a medical emergency or a book deal) but I was really just on vacation with my family.

To North Carolina.

If you’re anything like me three weeks ago, you’re probably thinking, “Why the fuck would anyone vacation to North Carolina?” And to that, there are a few answers. One, it’s surprisingly picturesque. No, I did not take a picture. This isn’t that kind of blog. Two, my mom wanted to go. That’s mostly it. But here’s the exciting part: we drove the whole fucking way. Continue reading ““Tonight I Watched the Tonys,” or, “A Post About Acting””

Soliloquy in A Minor

Sometimes we hold onto weird pieces of our identities for way longer than is socially acceptable. This is how you get the drunk with a beer belly who still talks about the time his buddy landed/scored/dunked a touchdown or whatever. It’s the bitchy PTA mom who still dyes her hair blonde and shops in the junior section because she was a cheerleader. High school, no matter who we were, is an integral part of how we see ourselves now. Which mostly sucks, but sometimes your specific stereotype is so niche, anyone who knows it is automatically a friend.

Enter band geeks. Continue reading “Soliloquy in A Minor”

Not Too Honest

I was delighted to discover that creative nonfiction was a real thing. My life is fascinating, I thought. People definitely want to hear about me. To a certain extent, I wasn’t wrong. We’re all interesting, provided we curate and prune the pieces of our life enough to make them universal and pretty. But the irony, to me, is that in order to tell our truest truth, we often must lie.

I know, I know – hear me out. Continue reading “Not Too Honest”

Insomnia, etc.

I woke up this morning at four am, after falling sleep somewhere after midnight, after trying desperately to get to bed “early” at eleven. When I woke up, way more awake than I usually am after getting six or so hours, all I could think was, “Haha. Fuck.”

Then I got up, took a shower, and tried to think about what I’d post on the internet to prove that I am an artist and a writer and the kind of person who wakes up at four in the morning on purpose because I have my life together and I genuinely enjoy being awake before the fucking sun. Continue reading “Insomnia, etc.”